~*~Teenager Dreams~*~

Well I have been sick the last few days now. It started on Friday when I was talking to Howie on the phone. My weekend consisted of me not going to work and snuggling under Howie all day. He hit me with a football and pretty much disabled my ear from wearing earrings for a few days. @_@;; So I hate piercings now. They get in the way. >_>;; Other than that, once again I have ran into confrontation with Howie. He's stressed out, fine and dandy but it is so stupid. I swear.. Well, it is fine. I am not going to sit around crying all the time. I have stuff to do and things to accomplish. Speaking of which, I'm out of town on Thursday. I need a break.. Going to see some schools down south for the hell of it. *nods* Well goodnight.

Man, it just seems like time is flying and I can't stop it. I'm so tired. I'm going to cut down on my working and start rebuilding some relationships with my friends. I miss them and we need to be together again because it is possibly.. the last time we'll meet again. This may be the year that I will never see some people again. I need to take some time out and tell them how much I appreciate them. Well, gotta sleep. Tired. Night.

Ps. Angel, I don't like your tail all in my face. I'd appreciate if you keep that furry thing to yourself..

These last few days have been astounding for me. I feel something so different now. Now that I am a senior, I feel a new found responsibility, a new challenge, a new beginning. I feel so different. Everything. I don't know how to describe it. I can't necessarily put it into words. It is just something so overwhelming. I don't know if it is just me who realizes it. There is a fire burning inside me and I know amazing things will happen this year. Oh, I know it! I'm so excited. Well, I spent time with Howie all day today. We went to see SuperBad and then later tonight, we went bowling. We ..did okay. xD It's cool. I love spending time with him. Well it's so early in the morning. I'm going to bed. Goodnight..

Well you know what, exs can be a pain in that ass. Don't know what his problem is. I don't know if he is trying to impress me or make small talk to avoid other things but it is starting to irritate me. >_>; How dare you talk about my car. You know what.. at least I don't run into shit all the time. *shrugs* Well... other than that, my life is okay. I miss hanging out with Howie and I still work all the time plus go to school. I'll be so exhausted by the end of semester. Well, gotta get back to my hw.. later.

So I told him how I felt. I told him why I haven't been as clingy as before. I finally spilled and I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. I'm guessing he took it to heart. I think he may have finally realized that I am hurt by things that happens and he has also realized that I have fragile heart and he needs to be a little more careful. That's what I got when I saw him today. I bought him a drink from Burger King and he went inside for a moment then came back out. He kept bragging to everyone that I'm his future baby momma.. (Uh what?!) And then he hugged me for a while, bragging about how I'm a wonderful person, a good girl.. It made me feel so good...

I don't know, I feel something different after I spilled my feelings. I mean, I did send him a 9 page text message yesterday. xD How pathetic, I know, but I can't tell people how I feel to their face. I always have to write it in some long ass explanation... I have no clarity when I speak. When I can see the words on paper, I can make sure that is what I want to say, how to say, and its effects if I said it. *Shrugs* I need to get over that if I want to be a lawyer... I'm working on it... I swear. Everytime I read that message I sent him, I cry. I don't know.. but I have read it 6 times and I ball more and more each time. It's odd. Maybe it is because I have held these feelings in so long that everytime I read how I have been feeling, it just.. smacks me in the face? Who knows.

It's almost time.. Everytime I drive by NC, it draws closer and it causes me to have a meltdown. Not that fact that I'm going back to school, but the fact that I'm almost grown, I'm about to finish highschool, I'm about to step out into the world by myself, making my own decisions, good or bad, I'm so close to walking down that isle and receiving that diploma "LaShaundra Helena Marie Bridges" ... I'm done. I made it. When they drew so close to kicking me out of school, I made it. I can't wait... *smiles* I can't wait..

Soon, I close the door to my teenage years and open the door to my future. The time starts now. This year determines if I make it into the Business School. This year determines if I am a sophomore in college without having to take all those classes again. This year means more to me than any other year in my life. I'm ready... Let's start the year off right...

About one week... AHHHH! Being in NC again was really weird. I talked to Allie today and her hair is all gone. I was like "NOOOO!!!!!" lol. I'm so tired.. and I feel like shit. @__@;; Oh well, other than that, nothing has been going on. I'm going to bed.. nighters.

Everyday, there are people who work so hard that when they come home, they fall on their bed, crying in pain because they stood on their feet for so many hours. Their shoes have holes in the bottom of them from all the wear. Their knees feel like they will buckle, they feel like their body will just fall apart. They ask God why they work so hard? What is this all for..? For me, I ask myself.. what is this all for? I work day in, day out. I work twice a day sometimes and I don't even know what sleep or rest is. I have to keep going. I could easily tell my managers no, I won't work more.. but I do. Now I sit here, my knees throbbing. Tonight, it will feel like someone is stabbing me in my leg, trying to dislocate my knee cap. I feel so much pain. I don't sleep much. I don't really know the last day I have had off. I have worked 2 or 3 weeks straight now. I have only worn two or three different outfits in the last two or three weeks. ...

So I ask myself, why do I work so hard? What am I hiding? Something inside of me is hurting and to ignore it, I work. I slave, breaking my back for this 6.50 and 7.00 dollars I make per hour, but why? What is so important about it? He has hurt me.. He continues to hurt me yet he is my poison. And yet I don't say anything. I just go along like some sick puppy. I am slowly breaking myself away. I see him like once a week now instead of everyday. I'm starting not to feel as attached anymore.. and it is good. There are a lot of reasons for this too, I promise...

I thought about school. If I keep clinging to him, I won't even go. I will keep chasing after him, hoping he will be mine. Then again, I know it will never happen and I don't want it to. It will end in an ugly way anyway. He will marry one of his college friends.. but I feel they will hurt him somehow. But that has nothing to do with me. He read some texts to me and one made me so angry. "I don't want to be unfair to you".. this is to one of his "friends". That is his reason for not dating them. WHAT HAVE THEY DONE FOR YOU? WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE?!!!! WHO HAS ALWAYS FUCKING CARED ABOUT YOU?... me.... me.... and he doesn't even care.. These people... will never care about him the way I do. He always thanks me... ..but then breaks my heart, so it's like null and void in my mind. What's the point in thanking me when you don't even mean it... You don't care about me. Soon, you'll graduate and forget who I am...

It's okay... I'm use to this. I'm use to being heartbroken. I'm use to people using me for their own benefits... Why can't I just wake up? Why must I be so fucking stupid..? And the more I push away, it is like there is a chain around my neck and it pulls me back. I'm a pet to the devil, to him, to this world. One day, I will break this chain. I will snatch it from your hands and I will be in control.. I'm moving further away and I'm learning to be tougher. I'm learning to be strong. I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to be like everyone else with these divorces and .. fights and abuse. I don't want to be them. I don't want to end up dead because I got into a fight with my husband. I don't want to watch my future die right before me..... It starts with me. It is me who will make it to the top. It is me who will make it. It is me who will live in Japan, England, France, Spain, Italy, Indonesia, China, Russia, Germany.. I will see the world.. I will find my happiness... While those who want to hurt me, will not. And if they manage to, they had to cheat their way to get it.

I'll get what is coming to me. I will continue to work hard until I get what I need in life. I will work hard until I find my happiness. Even if I die before I accomplish everything I want to do, I hope God allows one person or another to feel blessed with what I did do... My children, my family, my friends.. Thank you God.. for helping me. I know that I am so weak and vunerable sometimes but you protect me so much.. One day, I'll figure it out. And ..When I can love myself enough.. and care about who I am.. and what I'm after, then everything will be okay.. I won't have to ever cry again... but until that day, I'll keep fighting.. and I will win...

No marching band.. that kind of sucks.. I don't have any time anyway. I rather concentrate on what I want to do in the future than Marching band that lasts a season. Gives me time to myself. I miss it but I don't miss all the bullshit that goes with it. Feeling left out and all.. I'm good. Well I have a few things to take care of before I go to bed. Goodnight..

Well, it is nice. I worked both jobs today and my feet hurt but spending time with Howie wasn't bad. *looks at the cat*.. It takes my mind off of work and let's me calm down. In a way, I could last without hanging out with him but then again, it is good to breathe.. It is good to be able to go out, have a good time, then go back to my daily routine of work. @__@;; Welp, I was worried about him because he called me and something had happened. Dude, I was spooked. He is okay now I guess.. I don't know. I am probably going to go to bed now and he can call me tomorrow. Well, I'm going to finish sucking down my Mountain Dew, say my prayers, and go to bed.

I thank God for making me the strong woman I am. I thank him for giving me broad shoulders so that I could carry the world's burdens on them. I'm strong and a little stupid but I care too much........... I just do. I can't help it sometimes.. life's a bitch then we die.. but in the meantime, I'm going to help those who need it, be there when I can, and pray everything will be okay. So call me crazy.. it's fine.. One day, my efforts will go unpunished I hope...

Well, I just got off work like 10 minutes ago. I'm so fucking tired. @__@; I worked 15 hours today. ?! Hahhaa but my job wasn't hard. I colored a fucking map while everyone else counted the clothes in the store. Mwahaha, that wasn't hard at all. It is just staring at that map for that long. It was.. ahh! Well, I'm staying at fashion bug. It would make Amber's mission too easy if I just quit. I want her to work HARD to get me fired, since that's what she wants. She thinks I give a shit if she doesn't talk to me. Uhm, no. I am very glad you don't. THANK YOU SO MUCH. And I'm not fake. I am not going to stand here and smile in your face saying "Hi Amber" Blah blah. No, I don't like you, no I won't talk to you. No I don't give a shit if you're a medical student. Quite frankly, that's nice but don't care. Ugh..

Anywho, other than that... I'm in a much better mood than earlier. I have been texting Howie out of boredom. He doesn't answer back much. It's okay. I don't really care all that much. UH, what else happened? *Yawns* I don't even know.. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm such a fucking loser. All I do is work.. *Taps chin.* I can tell I'm exhausted..I'm cussing alot. Hahaha. OH! Yeah, my cousin said that this boy from church asked about me. ...Weird. I liked him ever since I started going there but I never talked to him. I noticed something about him though. He is just like me.. *Shrugs*.. We are the same.. Why don't we go out?! .... >_> Oh yeah, he only like "white" girls. Racists.. lol.. and he is black. HAHAHAH. Whatever... I don't care. Quite frankly, I don't have time for a bf. I need a friend with benefits.. any takers???

Well, life sometimes sucks and for me, it is a never-ending cycle of suckiness. However, I dream of a day where I will be to smile and no one can fuck it up. There will always be people who will stand in my way. There will always be people who want to destroy me. I cried the most true tears today. I sat in the car and I prayed to God to lift this hatred, this pain, this agony off my heart. My heart has been hurting for days now. It probably is just heartburn but as much pain as I feel, I wonder if it is my heart screaming in pain. Sometimes it feels like my heart just wants to give it out.. but it keeps living for whatever reason. God keeps me alive for.. some reason and I'm glad for it.

I was listening to Akon. I don't really like him a lot but the song "Sorry, Blame It On Me" breaks my heart. No one else seems to want to take the blame when they break my heart, it's always me beating myself up. Okay, we're not talking about Howie because.. this whole thing is stupid. Other than that, I just hate that I give my heart to people and they want to break my heart. I hate that the world is so unfair. I call Fashion Bug and they are so unfair. They all break the rules but they want to write me up. I just hate it. I'm about to quit. I will not be mistreated and shown a fool while everyone else can point and laugh about it.

I have to work there tomorrow like all day. I'm praying that God will grab my tongue and silence me. I pray that God will give me strength not to haul off and smack the shit out of someone tomorrow. ;-; OH DEAR GOD... I pray that Shaundra will still have a job tomorrow.. hahahaha... Well, I have to get up early, Goodnight..

Well, I met Howie last night. It wasn't my idea. I was putting gas in my car and he shows up at the gas station I was at. I was looking at him like "uh.. what the.." Well, we ended up going out to Steak 'N Shake and talking. That was it. I don't feel ..totally the same about him. Yeah, I think he is hot and all but I don't even know if I like him the way I did. He's been talking to all these girls and all.. and I don't like it. *Shrugs* But it is whatever.. I'm not controlling anyone's life and they won't control mine. I haven't seen high nor hair of Howie since and there was no contact.. so it was one of those "one in a million" nights for him to see me because he was bored and had no one else to hang out with. That was it. Nothing else to it. And I don't see it as him coming back.. I see it as ..a one night stand kind of thing, ya know? I don't know.. that sounded worse. BASICALLY, we went out last night because we both had NOTHING better to do with our time..

Yes, I'm in denial.. Yes, I'm depressed about this and work, and STUPID ASS PEOPLE AT FASHION BUG. There is so much shit going on in my life, I can't fucking keep up. I can't fucking stand anything right now. I'm on one of those "spiraling out of control" rants. I get written up at my other job because of my clothes yet people come in, breaking the rules all the fucking time, even the store manager. Then, this Howie mess, then still my car, I'm tired of working, I'm mentally exhausted............... I need to get away... for a while........I just need to ...stop.. @___@; I can't...take this much longer... Two jobs, drama, no sleep, back pains, so many hours of long work.. Okay, 6 hours a day isn't all that much but listening to rude customers yell at you for no apparent reason just drains you..... Standing on your feet non-stop, it just sucks and I don't get breaks anymore because I'm 18. It's gay.. I need a day off and I don't have ANY.. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'll be fine, I promise. I just need to get away for awhile before school starts or I'm going to fucking break.

Well, I'm working all the time now. I'm so FUCKING TIRED OF WORKING!!!!!.... Okay anyway, I'm tired. I work the rest of the week with NO days off. I'm like >_>; Gots to be kidding.. My mom says I don't have to work all this much. Hello? Yes I do. No one else is going to pay for my stuff. And I think my mom likes that I'm not in her account anymore.. spending her money. ^__^; Mwahaha. I kind of like not having to depend on someone else for money.

Well, I was in drive-thru today and someone pulls up and goes "Yeah, can I get a mocha iced coffee".. Okay.. He goes "Do you have a bf?" I was like "No I do not." I look up at the camera monitor and it is Howie's Neon. I smirk and he was like "How much is it darlin'.." ...$2.15. He pulls up to the window and I thought I'd faint. @___@;; He looked so good. LOL!!!!! He made small talk with me and that was about it. Goddamnit! I Want him..

Well I'm thinking about trading my car in for a newer one. Don't know yet. Mine as well. I can trade it in, put about 500 down on a car .. that kind of thing.. but I like my monte carlo.. it has sentimental value. I mean... Raven did die the day I got it and it is named Raven after it. I feel like I can't just go trade it in. ;-; *SIGHS*... I don't know what to do. This monte carlo just has so many issues to fix and I don't want to put that much money into a car that may die in a few months or a year with 165, 647 miles on it!!! *SIGHS* I don't know. I'm depressed now.. Gotta run.

La,
This is a time of decision, when small changes can have big effects later on down the road. Flirtations this evening can only increase your temptation to engage in self-destructive acts. Be careful to whom your eye wanders. Someone you are deeply attracted to may cause your sudden downfall.


*nods* That sounds so true. It will cause my sudden downfall. That's why I don't need to be dating or worrying about a bf. ....Will anyone like to be my snuggle buddy? Friends with benefits? Any takers? Nothing too serious please?? Don't want to cause my sudden downfall, Lol..

I have figured it all out. I think I have finally managed to figure out why things have gone so wrong. I have figured out that it isn't me, it is him. I have also figured out that he is seeing the past everyday of his life and he always takes his anger out on me because when he looks at me, he sees the past, don't ask me why! I have figured it all out and I'm no longer in denial. ^___^; Yay me.

I went to Pizza Hut yesterday. It was my cousin's idea. Howie came in there after a run and goes "Hey Tyler, you look great".. You've got to be kidding me. I sucked it all in and was like "what the fuck ever" So I ended up becoming friends with Amanda really fast and helped her out. She will help Tyler get a job when she switches stores. I was like that's cool. So yeah.. Amanda doesn't like Lindsay but Howie loves her because .... they have history, let's say that. I don't really care. I don't care what happens now. I have a lot more to worry about than some grown ass adults who like children.

Other than that, I'm getting a manager job after I graduate from NC. I posted my schedule and I think I just buried myself. It's okay. I'm excited. I got a call from Evansville today and they REALLY want me. I really like IUPUI though. Evansville is only 2500 people, that's less than NC. o.O; Weird. Haha, I don't know. I really don't. I'll pick a school soon enough. Hm, well, I'm done. Nothing else to say. I'm kind of lonely but I'll be fine once school starts again. I'm happy and life is about to get a whole lot better...

P1 WEIGHTTRAINI 9015E1 1 M262 ANDERSON MARC
P2 AP/IBCALC1AB 6934A1 1 L649 GRANT MAUREEN
P3 ADV COMP ACP 6007G1 5 A117 BRIGHT MELISSA
P4-5 WIND ENSEMBLE 8720A1 1 E168 GRANLUND RICK
P6 LUNCH 9999A1 6 CAFE STAFF
P7-8 AP/IB GOVT 6624C1 5 H614 VICKREY ALAN
P9 HUMANITIES 6059A1 2 J625 YOUNG KATHARINE
P10 APHUMAN GEOG 6605E1

2nd Semester

01 07:30 AP/IB ECON 6643C2 1 H607 WIGGINS ANDY
02 08:27 AP PSYCH 6649A2 1 H617 HOLMAN KATHY
03 09:26 AP/IBCALC2AB 6934B2 2 L649 GRANT MAUREEN
04 10:31 WIND ENSEMBLE 8720B2 1 E168 GRANLUND RICK
06 11:35 LUNCH 9999A2 6 CAFE STAFF
07 12:07 WORLDLIT ACP 6012E2 3 K637 ARMSTRONG ANTHONY
09 13:11 APHUMAN GEOG 6605F2 1 H598 MOORE JEREMY
10 14:08 WEIGHTTRAINI 9015E2 3 M262 ANDERSON MARC

I just got back from Holiday World and it's been really good. Well, unfortunately, I have to work tomorrow at 9:30 in the friggin' morning. @__@; Haha, I saw Howie at Pizza Hut. I'm boycotting that Pizza Hut because I'm scared he'll poison my food. @__@;; Hm, well I'm going to bed... There is nothing and no one to talk to now. Goodnight.

I'm sleeping. I feel like I'm just sleeping until I can wake up. I'm living but then sometimes I feel like I'm not alive. It's weird. I sometimes wonder if I'm depressed. I wonder if my mind sometimes dies and when I need to be alive, it does. *taps chin* Who knows. I read this article telling me that if your parents are depressed, you are likely to be depressed and be 10 times worse. ..Hm.. My mom is clinically proven depressed. Nice. I think I'm fine. I think if I did have it, it comes from decisions I make. Maybe it could be in my head but I rather not believe it and I won't give into drugs to make me happy.

I got my ears double pierced today and it hurt so bad. Well, it wasn't THAT bad but it hurt worse than my tattoo. My tattoo was nothing but that piercing was like "holy shit." *shrugs* I'll probably still get another piercing. I won't say where yet. I am getting two more tattoos too. I don't have the money for them right now. I wish Billy was still here. I wanted him to do my tattoos!! Now I'm stuck with these other guys. I like Brendon. Maybe I can trust the other guys. Billy just made me feel really good when he did mine. I'm so cool with those guys, it's so weird. I'm addicted to this stuff. Perhaps it is a way for me to take the pain I feel inside and put it into something. I wouldn't cut myself or anything so tattoo is a nicer way of hurting yourself? I don't know.. It's weird. Both pains clash so I feel nothing. I don't know. I've lost my damn mind.

On my chest, there will be a rose. It will be bleeding and it will say "love hurts". It will be right where my heart is and it will be for the number of heartbreaks and heartaches I have felt and the ones to come. I use to have this big explanation for a rose. It has ALOT of symbolic explanations. It was amazing what the rose stands for. Well, I know love has something to do with it. I would do a heart.. but I don't want a heart. I love roses. Then I will get one on my lower back. *nods* Yeah, then that will probably be it. No, I'm not getting a boy's name on me. I don't believe in that shit. It will probably be a butterfly spreading its wings to fly. It will be what I feel. I want to spread my wings and reach heights never reached before. That kind of things. Tattoos have to have some meaning to them. The one I have now, it is the Japanese kanji for love. One of the hardest journey for me in the future will be to find true love. It is something I greatly desire and I will stop at nothing until I find it. So that's all..

Well I am going to bed. I'm going to the hair salon and probably chop my hair off. xD NIGHT

I wish I could find the guy who will like me for who I am. I listen to this song and it is really funny. You can read the lyrics if you like.


"The Way I Are"
(feat. Keri Hilson, D.O.E.)

[Verse 1: Timbaland]
I ain't got no money
I ain't got no car to take you on a date
I can't even buy you flowers
But together we'll be the perfect soulmates
Talk to me girl

[Bridge: Keri Hilson]
Oh, baby, it's alright now, you ain't gotta flaunt for me
If we go there, you can still touch my love, it's free
We can work without the perks just you and me
Thug it out 'til we get it right

[Chorus: Keri Hilson & (Timbaland)]
Baby if you strip, you can get a tip
'Cause I like you just the way you are
(I'm about to strip and I want it quick
Can you handle me the way you are?)
I don't need the cheese or the car keys
Boy I like you just the way you are
Let me see ya strip, you can get a tip
'Cause I like, I like, I like

[Verse 2: Timbaland]
I ain't got no Visa
I ain't got no Red American Express
We can't go nowhere exotic
It don't matter 'cause I'm the one that love you best
Talk to me girl

[Bridge 2: Keri Hilson]
Oh, baby, it's alright now, you ain't gotta flaunt for me
If we go there, you can still touch my love, it's free
We can work without the perks just you and me
Thug it out 'til we get it right

[Chorus: Keri Hilson & (Timbaland)]
Baby if you strip, you can get a tip
'Cause I like you just the way you are
(I'm about to strip and I want it quick
Can you handle me the way you are?)
I don't need the cheese or the car keys
Boy I like you just the way you are
Let me see ya strip, you can get a tip
'Cause I like you just the way you are

[Verse 3: D.O.E.]
Baby girl, I don't got a huge ol' house I rent a room in a house
Listen baby girl, I ain't got a motorboat but I can float ya boat
So listen baby girl, once you get a dose of D.O.E. you gon' want some mo'
So listen baby girl, when I make it I want you back, want you back, yeah

Man!! I wish I had a man like that! I hope you have a job though. You don't have to be wealthy and you don't have to spend a lot of money on me. I just like a lot of personal attention. I just like to spend time together. I wish. I just wish sometimes I could. I'll find you. I know I will.

protective Crabs have a hard shell and a soft, sensitive inside. You tend to take your relationships quite seriously, and although you have high ideals, you'll choose a partner who is authentic, though imperfect, over an unrealizable dream lover. You do, however, have your fantasies, especially this year as imaginative Neptune opposes the "make it real" planet, Saturn. Your heart is easily wounded, not because of increased sensitivity but because you are likely to reach further than usual, thereby setting yourself up for romantic disappointment. Don't get discouraged during the summer when Venus, the love planet, does her retrograde dance. If someone special doesn't live up to your unrealistic expectations, reevaluate the situation and move forward once you know the truth. But don't use this as an excuse to withdraw emotionally or you may isolate yourself from the very love you so strongly desire.